Category Archives: reflections

a little soul, pestered. April 11

I sometimes feel like a muttering idiot.  I cannot much tell the difference between what I am saying, doing, and what is typically called madness.  There are days the difficulty is so big I can’t even form the questions. What does Kansas City have to do with pilgrimage, I mean.  This is a ridiculous thing, […]

Generation, daily reflection April 11

Generation: because the act of writing about my alcoholism turns out to be the act of writing about my father’s alcoholism, and recovery from my addiction is actually a recovery from his. They say that.  That alcoholism is a family disease.  Give or take genetic tendencies, we are who we are because we are what […]

90 days, april 10

Looking back, I think I’d begun the process of the fourth step from the first few days.  Like my life was all contained in a one big box, and I took it in my hands, flipped it over so everything fell on the floor, and said here’s nothing.  What dust is kicked up.  What shattering […]

Fear of the fourth, daily reflection April 9.

I wanted to do the fourth.  I had a hunch – rather, knew as clear as two and two is four – it was my emotional mess that kept me an active alcoholic.  I knew that it was self-hate and deep shame that formed the way I lived;  anything like ‘better’ would have to radically […]